Silver Anniversary

There always seems to be stuff going on at my house.  Sometimes I know what it is, and sometimes I don't.  Either way though, I can feel it.  It's kind of a buzzy feeling in my tummy, not exactly like butterflies, maybe more like caterpillars. Those black and brown ones that are really fuzzy and look soft  but are actually kind of prickly if you touch them.  Better to just watch them there, munching on leaves like they've got nothing else to do but eat.

My sister Anne and I share a room.  It's a funny kind of room because it's got a triple kind of bunkbed - a regular bunkbed against the wall, and half-way up, where your feet go, there's another bed that sticks out into the middle of the room.  My dad made this bed when he made the house bigger for us so the room would fit three girls, but Claudie doesn't live at home anymore and Reine is married and lives far away.  I don't even remember when they both lived at home.  As it is, Anne is nine years older than me, and soon she will be moving away too - she is graduating from Grade 13 this month.

Anne is pretty much everything I'd like to be.  She's really smart at school; she does great at a bunch of different sports; she's got a really nice boyfriend; she doesn't chew her fingernails; she's got pretty, long hair.  She sits up straight. Me, I'm pretty smart at school; I like sports too (but we don't have any teams yet at school); I don't think I'll ever have a boyfriend; I chew my fingernails until my fingers hurt; I've always had a pixie cut.  I slouch.  But my dad said to me the other day, when I was complaining about having to do the dishes AGAIN, that one day I'll just do them, just like Anne does.  I don't know if THAT's true, but at least dad thinks so, and that's something to keep me hoping.

Mom and Dad are going to Anne's Grade 13 graduation ceremony.  They even got an invitation in the mail from the school.  Anne's boyfriend, Dan, is graduating from Grade 13 too.  I'm not allowed to go.   Even though Paul says it would be Boring, I'd kind of like to go, just to see.  It just sounds so neat.  But THEN I found out a Secret.  My sister Claudie has planned a PARTY for my parent's anniversary, on the same night as the Graduation.  This year is their 25th anniversary, they call it a "silver" one.   I am so impressed by this - I can't believe it.  My parents NEVER have parties - they often have people over for coffee, neighbours or friends, but never a Party.  And even better, it's a SECRET.  I hope I'm not the one to ruin the surprise.

"I'm going to have you take care of the guest book, okay?" Claudie tells me one day when she is visiting at home, and mom and dad aren't close by.

"Sure," I say, although I'm not even sure what that means, "What do I have to do?"

"Well, you'll say 'hi' to everyone when they come to the house, and ask them to sign the guest book.  Do you think you can do that?"

"Yeah," I say, feeling kind of nervous and excited both at the same time.  I don't think I can do too much wrong with that job, it sounds pretty straightforward.  I am just wondering what the catch is, when Claudie says -

"Do you have anything nice to wear?"

Well, there it is.  You have to understand, I'm feeling all out of sorts these days, a feeling which seems to be lasting a very long time.  My huge feet seem all out of proportion to the rest of my body; I'm pretty much just a tall, skinny beanpole; I've lost all my baby teeth and these new adult ones seem way too huge for my mouth, all crowding their way in; and my short hair makes me look more like a boy than ever - which usually is just fine with me for playing and running around, but doesn't seem to "match" if I have to dress up.  Not to mention that something "nice" that fit last week, won't fit this week.  Oh - and I don't even LIKE to wear dresses, anyway.  Or anything that's pink or with bows or frilly bits.

"Not really," I mumble, wondering what will come next.

"Okay then, hmm, well, I guess I can make you something," Claudie says, brows furrowed and eyeing me up and down critically.

I shrink inside, and feel that caterpillar working away.  Somewhere in my head I know she's trying to do something nice for me, but all my tummy says is that I'm not okay as I am, that I'll just never measure up.  As she measures me and writes down all the numbers, I am embarrassed and flushed.  Somehow I'm no longer worried about being able to keep the secret; instead I'm dreading messing up the event.

The afternoon of the Graduation, mom and dad get ready to go out.  Before they go, they give Anne her graduation present - all nicely wrapped with a bow and everything! It is a really cool clock-radio! As Anne pulls it out of the box, I think that it looks all shiny and silver like it's from outer space, like something they might have on a Rocket.  They all look just wonderful and smell really good.  I get nice big hugs from them as they leave, so nice and warm and comforting.  They are both so pleased about going to Annes' graduation, so proud of her.  I am proud of her, too and think that maybe one day they'll go to mine. It helps me to feel better about the party coming up. 

With them out of the way, my brothers and Claudie get into gear.  Christopher is nervously thinking about a speech, and Claudie is in her element seeing to all of the little details.  She's brought my dress in, it turned out nice.  It's yellow with flowers and some red stuff on it that looks nice.  I'm not crazy about the puffy short sleeves, but she insists that it looks cute... I'm not a good judge of cute so I figure I'll take her word for it.  Luckily for me, I actually have some sandals that will match the dress!  For my birthday in May, I was allowed to invite a bunch of girls from school to a birthday party.  One of my friends, Sandra, gave me a pair of red sandals.  She tried to make me guess what the present was - ("it starts the same way as my name!" she said), but I had no idea ("sandbox? sandpiper?").  I was so surprised - I had never been given sandals for a present before!  Anyway, it makes me feel better that I actually have shoes that match the dress - usually I've got my sneakers on, or clunky winter boots in winter, with my dress sticking out from underneath a coat that's too short.

The people start arriving at our house before my parents get home.  Some of my brothers are outside in the yard helping people find place to park their cars, others are in the house helping Claudie and chatting with people already here.  I hold my post at the Guestbook, glad to have a job to do that I can't mess up too much.  It gets pretty busy, and I can't believe all of the people that come.  Not only my grandma and our neighbours on Tetroe Road, but also our priest Father Denis and some other people from church like Ratchfords and Swirns.  It's funny to see them all mixed together in our house, and how some sit quietly, almost like they are nervous, and how others seem to know everyone and are all smiles and hugs.  I kind of thought all adults were the same - all confident and comfortable, but it seems like that's not true when you put them all together.  I'm doing okay getting people to sign the book - some people just put their name and others want to put in a little message, which is kind of nice, I think.

Just as I think I'm not sure how much longer I can sit here, my restless legs bouncing all over from under my dress in those red sandals, my parents pull up in the car.  I can see them through the kitchen door and they are all smiles.  As they come in I yell out "Surprise!" even though I know the surprise was up before they even pulled into the driveway - there are so many cars.  They are swept away into the living room with all the guests.  Some have even brought presents!  My brother Chris is about to say his speech so things get quiet and I can't make my escape quite yet.  It is short and sweet, and everyone lifts their glass to "toast" my mom and dad.  In the noise that follows, I figure my job is done and I head outside.

Now that I'm away from the crowd and the noise, I feel so much better, lighter.  Frank and John are outside running around the cars, and I join in - although I can't run as fast with sandals and a dress on.  I return to the front step and kick off my sandals, hike up my dress a bit, and tear around the back yard around to the front of the house.  As I round the corner to the front where the living room window is, I slow down and stop in the pine trees.  It's almost like watching tv - I can see everyone in the living room all laughing and talking.  I take it all in - the cars, the people, my brothers and sisters, my mom and dad.  Twenty five years ago, they got married and all these years later, here we all are.  What if they had never met?  Who would I be, then?  Who will I be twenty five years from now? 

I look up at the sky; dusk is just starting to fall and there's still a glow where the sun is going down.  The air is warm and smells like pine needles - clean and good.  My caterpillars are gone, and tonight it feels like everything is good in the world, and that I'm going to be okay.  If Anne can do so well, maybe I can too.  I might even grow into my feet.